Ultimate Spider-Man Episode Thirty-Eight: Itsy-Bitsy Spider-Man

Itsy-Bitsy Spider-Man

First Aired: June 9th, 2013

Synopsis: Spider-Man's team are on an underwater mission looking for Thor. They find the Destroyer armour instead, with a Norn Stone on its chest, and end up in a squabble which has them all accidentally touching it. As a result, they get turned into chibi versions of themselves. After returning to the helicarrier they decide that they need Thor's help, but are instead put in daycare, because this episode is inane. The daycare has a strange kid in it, in spite of Nick Fury saying that it hadn't been used before, and when the team try escaping from daycare their attempt is thwarted by the kid. He reveals himself to be Loki, intending on using the Norn Stone to de-age Thor and his allies so that he'll be the older sibling. Loki leaves, and moments later Thor arrives, also in a chibi form. He helps the team escape from daycare and explains that Loki has activated the Destroyer armour.

The team find the Destroyer armour fighting SHIELD agents aboard the helicarrier, and briefly fight it before Thor knocks it out of the helicarrier. The team go after it in a plane they hijack, and manage to knock it from the building where it's fighting Thor before crashing their planes. Loki appears and starts controlling the Destroyer directly. The team aren't sure how to stop him, before Spider-Man has the unique idea that if they go to a toy store, the things there will be to their size and that will somehow allow them to get the upper hand on the Destroyer. They manage to make it to a nearby store, and miraculously this idea works. With the Destroyer pinned by a large wheel, they're able to get the Norn Stone from it, and return themselves to normal size. Loki exits the Destroyer to take the stone back, but it turns him into a chibi version, thus ending his plans, and thankfully, the episode.

Sam Alexander is Actually the Worst:

• That squabble mentioned at the start? Sam kicks it all off when Fury tells the team not to touch the Destroyer, but static cuts him out. In spite of his team members telling him that Fury said not to touch it, and there being no good reason to touch it, Sam insists that Fury said that they should touch it, which leads to a fight.

Review: Every time I think this show has hit the limits of its inane nonsense, it proves me wrong. Spider-Man and Nova getting into a pissing contest over capturing Doctor Doom was stupid. Spider-Man stealing SHIELD stuff for a science experiment was dumb. Having to look after a sick Hulk was juvenile, Spider-Man becoming a pig was stretched out for far longer than it should have been, Spider-Man contemplating leaving New York was out of character, and Spider-Man and his team fighting SHIELD security made little sense. It's not a great track record, but this episode surpasses that low, low bar with flying colours.

In what world is this episode a good idea? It's inane, it's stupid, it's a bunch of jokes where everyone treats the characters as though they're three even though all that's happened is that they've shrunk down in size. Loki's plan makes absolutely no sense, which in itself makes sense, because this isn't a Loki plan - it's a weak excuse to turn the characters into chibi versions for what are ostensibly funny shenanigans. I don't care what the target demographic of this show is, expecting someone to enjoy this is condescending shit no matter who's watching.

Is there anything good here? No. There's no odd redeeming joke here or there, there's no clever moments that make the most of the team's situation, or interesting insight into how this version of the Marvel Universe works. It's pointless, badly-written junk all the way down, and I cannot stress this enough: nothing here works.